desire
by nirimiri
Summary: Hanako wishes to be a boy.
1. desire

When Amane is six she watched as Tsukasa played with the wooden car he was given on their birthday. In her hold, there's the doll that happend to be her gift. Unlike her brother who was playing loudly in the center of their room, she sat quietly in a corner near the window.

Her eyes feel like burning for a moment.

She wished to be like her brother.

When Amane is eight she stayed at home reading about the stars. She would sometimes see Tsukasa running down their street from the window, laughing and screaming and being problematic like every other child. He would then return home with dirty clothes, sweaty skin and a big smile.

She would then look down at her own clothes.

Unlike her brother, Amane's smelled nice, her skin was clean, and her lips pressed on a thin line.

She wished to be like her brother.

When Amane is ten she stared at her reflextion for more than was worth. The uniform was of a lovely color and cute design, Amane didn't mind it at all. However, the problem happened when looking at herself with such uniform. It felt alien, it didn't feel right. Amane didn't feel like herself in any way when being aware of wearing it. She would then look at Tsukasa, a plain shirt, a tie and pants. No particular design, but still distinctive from the school.

No matter how much she stared, the feeling stayed.

She wished to be like her brother.

When Amane is twelve she stays still in the bathub. Watching as the blood makes its way towards the drain, she hugs her knees. She can hear Tsukasa's voice from outside in the backyard, splashes and giggles reaching her ears. They have both entered the phase when they start to change. They are changing, and Amane wishes her to not. It's because she's changing that she can't go play in the water. It's because she's changing that she now needs to wear diferent kind of clothes. Tsukasa does not need to go though what she does every month, Tsukasa does not need to change as much as she does.

She brings her knees closer, only to be reminded that now her chest is not the same.

She wishes to be her brother.

**—**

When Amane is thirteen, she fails to her brother.

Everything crumbles and then ends miserably.

Because she's Amane, never Tsukasa.

**—**

When Amane died, she never expected to befriend someone after years of solitude.

In the early morning Yashiro have come visited her using the excuse that because she arrived late, the professor would not let her in until the next class begins. Now, Yashiro is teaching her who to braid while talking about anything that crosses her mind.

They talk about food; of how donnuts can be made of anything with enough imagination.

"_If there can be the meatloafs and meat pie, then do meat donnuts are a thing?"_

_"No way, donnuts should be __sweet!_"

They talk about supernaturals; of how varied they can be, from cute mokkes to scary monsters.

"_Sometimes I stare at the mokkes during class, the professor then would then scold be for 'spacing out' but I can't help it, they are adorable!"_

_"Well, they might be cute but I still can't beat them at cards tho_."

They would talk about boys; handsome, dorky, charming.

"_Can you imagine? A charming prince to have eyes on me? It would be like a dream!"_

_"Yashiro... you say all these types of boys but so far I only know two, the kid and his scary brother_."

Well, in the end more like Yashiro fantasizing about boys. Still, she didn't mind as long as it fill the silence of her day a day. Yashiro's voice became a sweet distraction to all the things that tormented her mind. Yashiro's visits became something to look forward every day. Yashiro's precense became to good to be true.

She can feel her fingers though her hair, tangling between her locks with agility as she knows what to do. When trying to imitate her movements Hanako only tries, fails, and starts again. Then, for just a moment Hanako looks up from her hands, Yashiro is still rumbling about something while her focus uninterrupted. She watches her with facination her long lashes, pink lips and chubby cheeks.

Hanako feels her body relax, as funny sensations start flutter inside her. She knows what she feels, to accepting it, that's another thing for her problem list.

"_I'm so happy to have another friend to spend time with_."

Because Amane was a girl, when she died Amane became as the supernatural known as Hanako. Because Hanako was summoned by Yashiro, she doesn't really know how but they became close. Because Hanako is a girl, Yashiro is happy to be friends with her.

Amane wanted to be a boy. Hanako wishes to be a boy.

Maybe, if Amane was a boy, Hanako then could have met Yashiro as one too. Maybe in that reality Hanako could have been Yashiro's prince charming.

But she can only imagine. Because she is a girl, and so, Yashiro's friend.

"_Ah! You made it! That looks pretty good Hanako!_"

And maybe that's the way things should be.


	2. reward

When Tsukasa had six, he was gifted a wooden car. He was happy with it, Amane however didn't seem as thrilled with hers, he had noticed. At the sight of their gift, Tsukasa's eyes shined excitement while Amane's clouded with disappointment.

It just took a weak sigh of Amane to make him stop and stare at his toy with a curious gaze. Both were twins so they liked the same, he used to think. Maybe if they play together, then Amane would be distracted of whatever is bothering her. So, he calls her name and laughs at the sight of Amane giving a little jump in her place. For a moment he worried she would fall, he didn't mean to startle her.

"Let's play together." He says and Amane's sadness melts.

"Play what?"

Pointing at the doll in her hands, he offers her his toy and laughs again when Amane's face gets painted with another layer of confusion.

"That's your car." He smiles at her.

"Won't you play with me, Amane? Just like always?"

Adults always say that sharing is good. He didn't mind sharing his car, however, because he's a kid he still wanted something to play with. But that's okay, Tsukasa figured the doll was fine.

Every toy is fun to play with anyway.

When Tsukasa had eight, he knew Amane didn't smile that much anymore, therefore he feels the obligation to do so. He would wear the biggest smile his face would allow him to hold. Laughing when playing with others, grinning when being rewarded and just curling his lips at the slight feeling of excitement that burbled inside his chest.

Because Amane doesn't smile as frequently as she used to do, he would also search for ways to turn her frown upside down. He would search her hand when walking by her side, gifting her things that by those times were objects that children of their ages would find interesting, curious or just pretty. Things like leaves with fun shapes, flowers with pretty petals, drawings with bright colors and everything his eyes could lay on or his mind could think of.

Amane would smile when he gave her drawings of them playing on the moon or recollecting stars. Always holding hands with smiles from cheek to cheek.

"I was wondering, why am I always wearing a red skirt?" Amane once asked.

"Mama said it's your favorite." He replied, only to be surprise by watching how her face fell; changing from an intrigued look to a tired grimace. Amane just hummed.

"I see." It sounded downhearted and that left him confused.

Still. Amane liked the drawing either way because she always did. The prove of it being how her collection grew over the years. She saved his gifts inside a shoes box that she hid beneath her bed. Though the flowers and leaves he gave her would first be pressed inside books to then be stored inside the box.

The small details were always something both where be grateful of. To fall asleep in the arms of the other, having small talks on the way to school of the movie the watched or sharing the last piece of cake.

They even found a rock they believed to be from the moon. It was something so simple, but it fascinated them, so they kept it like a treasure. He let Amane be the one has it, because he knew it was dearer to her.

However, when Tsukasa isn't around, he knew it meant it would only be Amane and her thoughts. And sometimes that was the reason of why she looked so sad.

He despised that.

When Tsukasa had ten, he started to understand the reason behind Amane's discomfort. He only needed to see the way her brows frowned in the slightest and her lips where pressed firmly, all because her eyes couldn't stop staring at her reflection in the mirror.

A bow adoring her hair, a fluffy skirt which ended at her knees all accompanied by long white socks and polished shoes.

In their mother's words: Amane looked lovely.

He may like the way the uniform looked on Amane, but maybe Amane herself didn't. That could explain her frustrated look. Small actions like her restless hands holding the edge of her skirt tightly, her fingers tangling in the fabric were another hint.

Said sentiment seemed to stay for the rest of their school days. Her discomfort clear to him but maybe difficult to catch for others. But what can he do? After all it was part of the rules to follow the dress code.

One day while staring at the ceiling, an idea came to him; If he can't get Amane another uniform, then perhaps he could lend her his own.

So, with his mind set he jumps off his bed and is quick to go towards their closet in order to search the uniform. Amane, who was simply reading a book, jumped in her place, startled because of his sudden burst of energy. Of course, it isn't something unusual. Tsukasa had always been an energetic boy to everyone's knowledge, it was because he just happened to be so calm moments ago why it took her of guard.

"Did something happen?" Putting the book aside Amane finally asked.

"I just got an idea!" He exclaimed, now holding both uniforms in his arms he approached his twin, who couldn't help but being confused.

"Tsu, is Saturday."

"We are not going to school silly." He corrected. "Amane! let's try each other's uniform!" She blinked.

"Why?" He laughed.

"Why not?"

She stayed silent after that.

He tried his best to wear correctly everything he had seen Amane use in the school days. Getting help from Amane with things such as to smooth the skirt and stretch the white socks up beneath his knee. He even insisted to go as far to try putting the bow in his hair only for it to be placed in a messy way since, unlike Amane, his hair was short.

He also offered to help with his own uniform with details like to arrange the sleeves and button the gakuran. A little detail he also insisted was to pick up her hair in a ponytail, that way it could be hidden by his hat to simulate his short hair. They ended up needing to go search for a belt since it seemed his pants were slightly big as they happen to slip from time to time, which make Amane nervous.

In the end, they dressed up with everything except for the shoes, and honestly, it was kind of fun. He swayed his body from side to side, amused by the way the skirt moved and twisted with his rhythm. He was enjoying himself and so was Amane too. Because even if he was fooling around, he could see the way Amane looked at herself in the mirror.

Her eyes shined with joy and in her lips rested a genuine smile.

Amane felt truly happy, and Tsukasa was pleased.

When Tsukasa had twelve, he noticed he and Amane started to change. Amane's body started to change and soon would his too. It felt frightening, in a way. They are twins, they are supposed to be the same. They share the similar likes and activities. So far it had only been the clothing and the length of their hair the only things that grew them apart. It wasn't really their choice either, if the adults could only let them, they would also definitely look the same.

It could have been fun, to trick people by being mistaken with the other. But Amane was forced to wear dresses and pinks while he used shorts and blues.

As much as he has been in denial of the change, he had found to his dismay it was Amane the one to take it the worst. Now, he can only see the despair painted in her face, no shine of glee ever present when looking at herself. He knew Amane felt pathetic because neither can't do something about this natural change.

This wasn't something he can fix with sharing toys, giving presents or swapping clothes. It just was beyond his control and this frustrated him.

"Maybe it won't be so bad." He said.

With his back against Amane's they were both hiding from the world. Because Amane never liked when people see her cry, he was facing away from her. Tsukasa decided to stay despite knowing Amane didn't want to be seen, because he still wanted to offer comfort in some way.

"I don't want us to change." She admitted, her sobs filling his ears.

"I don't like this." Her voice was tired.

At first, he stayed silent. His mind remembering the ugly looks the adults gave him when he asked why couldn't Amane wear the same as him. Doing his best at explaining the joy he saw in her when they traded clothes or played with his toys. Unaware of the growing tension and the twisted frowns, he continued talking with hope.

Only to be called a liar and then locked in a room.

"That's okay, you don't need to like it." He said instead, distancing himself from that memory to focus on holding his twin's hand.

"I'll be there for you, Amane."

When Tsukasa was thirteen, everything finally felt clear to him.

If the cause of Amane's sadness was Amane herself, then maybe if he prayed then perhaps in the next life god would finally grant her mercy and fulfil her wish.

Looking through the window he could see the full moon shining above him. By his side Amane rested, her chest slowly rising, already fast asleep. The story book she was reading for both lay open over the bed as the soft light from the outside washed over them.

Careful to not wake her up, he took the book, only to close it to and then let it fall to the floor. Amane would scold him for dropping it but his excuse was that he couldn't reach the bookshelf to put it back. Either way it's not a big deal, he could always pick it up later anyway.

It was getting late; he was aware mama wouldn't be pleased to see him up at this hour. But even so, his mind was so full of thoughts he felt the need to put at peace. He needed to finish planning everything inside his head for it to go perfect. Once in motion, there was no chance of going back.

Before going to sleep he gazed at the night sky one more time, the stars welcoming him yet again. Slowly, he holds his hands together in a prayer, amber eyes looking above. If the adults won't accept them as who they are, then they don't need their approval, he thought.

And so, giving a quick look at the sleeping form of his twin, he closed his eyes praying to the moon. For Amane be reborn as a boy and for Tsukasa to still be his twin.

In the middle of the night quiet pleads echoed inside the twin's room. At the side of the door, two backpacks rested near one another. It filled with the essentials every student needs just like text books and school supplies.

However, the thing that didn't belong, was the knife hiding inside.

When Tsukasa died, he wondered what went wrong. Since little, Tsukasa always knew Amane wasn't happy. Because he was her twin, he knew Amane just as clear as she knew the sky. Always being able to see though her as if she were glass, reading her like an open book.

There was always this thing, an obstacle he couldn't understand and by that time it seemed Amane also couldn't see. Tsukasa may not be as smart as Amane is, however, in those things Amane couldn't do, he would dominate just fine.

If Amane couldn't understand what her troubles were, then Tsukasa would be the one to figure and fix things for her the same way he knew Amane would do for him.

He remembers Amane's burning stare on his back. Even to this day he can still remember the sensation, after all, he grew up with it. There was no in between; if Amane was near then feeling would also be, if Amane was nowhere to be seen then it would go with her.

A funny thing, for him at least.


End file.
